So even though the most recent Dating Files post I wrote was on "What I Want," these days I'm feeling more lost than ever in that department. The truth is I don't have a clue what I want. I can't commit to buying a record player or signing a one year lease. How will I ever commit to a relationship again? The truth is, as a friend recently put it, I have been through the ringer when it comes to relationships. And once you have been so very wrong about people and relationships and where to invest your love, you start doubting yourself. You get a little nervous about doing it all over again. Sometimes I feel like the older I get the less sure I am about what I want. Which is terrifying. You hope that as the months and years go by you'll gain some sort of clarity and it'll all become so obvious. But that hasn't happened.
In the past few months I've considered buying an apartment here in New York. My lease is up at the end of this month so I thought I'd make a change. I thought about buying in a few different areas of Brooklyn, and recently considered buying in my beloved West Village. It scares the ever loving bejesus out of me. It's such a commitment and such a huge decision and one that you will be paying for and dealing with for many, many years. So I lost my nerve, I backed down. I decided to just move to Brooklyn and rent and then I lost my nerve again. My final plan was to move apartment within the West Village and I couldn't even pull the trigger on that. So here I am, after all of that, staying put in my same apartment delaying any decision making about buying vs. renting and Brooklyn vs. Manhattan for another six months.
The money and the time and the commitment of buying an apartment only makes sense if it's something you really, really want. But, what do you do when you have absolutely no idea what you want? And although this is about my NYC living situation, I feel like it mirrors my dating life. I've met plenty of nice boys just like I've seen plenty of nice apartments. But I was always left with the thought that there might be something better out there.
The truth is, I don't know what I want. And I'm not sure that I'll ever figure it out. But what I can do, and what I plan to do, is to keep looking (for a nice boy and a nice apartment) and hopefully I'll find one of each. And it won't matter what I want anymore because I'll know that I've found it.
So tell me. Am I getting more or less crazy?
xo and happy weekend.